Fellowship of the RingRingRing
by Valarauko
Summary: Hello, you have reached the Fellowship of the Ring. All nine of us are out saving the world right now and can't come to the phone. Please leave your name and a review after the tone. beep!
1. LotR: The Fellowship of the Ringing

(recording) Hello, Frodo Baggins speaking. You have reached the only phone in the Shire, so if you would like to talk to anyone here, please leave your name, telephone number, and a message after the tone. Someone will get back to you as soon as possible. bam! Sorry, that wasn't the tone, that was one of Gandalf's fireworks going off. This is the tone: beep!

-Hello Frodo. This is Frodo. Just making sure the recording works. Um…it does…okay, I'd better hang up now, shouldn't I. Yeah. Bye.

-Frodo! This is Pippin! Want to have dinner at my house? Merry's bringing mushrooms!

-Hello, Gandalf, this is Saruman. I was wondering if you would care to drop by and discuss this ring business? Give me a call and I'll see if I can fit you into my schedule.

-This is Elrond. I'm inviting everyone to a council I'm holding next month. Please RSVP so I know how many chairs to set up.

-Frodo, it's me, Gandalf. Listen, I think you should attend Elrond's council; it'll be a great chance for you to make some new friends. You need to get out more. I've got to talk to Saruman, but I should be back in time to attend. See you there.

-Aragorn? It's me. You know, Arwen. Will you be at daddy's council? I haven't seen you in ages. And bring some of those hobbit things, will you? They are just too cute!

-Screeech!

- Um, guys? This is Frodo. Who left that message?

-Sorry Frodo, I talked to Merry and Pippin and none of us recorded that. Oh yeah, this is Sam. Call me!


	2. Screeech!

(new recording) Hello, various incognito travelers here. We're on our way to Elrond's council, so please leave a message after the inhuman screech. And if anyone can identify the screecher, please tell us. Screeech!

-Gandalf? This is Frodo. Where are you? You said you'd be back for the council. I guess you're not. I'll try Elrond's place, maybe you went straight there. Bye!

-Aragorn? Help! We're lost and we need you to find us. This is Pippin, by the way, with the other three hobbits too. We're in the woods. Somewhere. And we ran out of mushrooms, so please find us soon. We're hungry!

Pippin! Tell him where we are!

I'm getting there, Merry! So, we're almost out of food. We're kind of surrounded by trees- Merry, do I need to describe the trees? -okay, they're tall, and they've got leaves, and beep Merry? I think the battery's dying, should I

-Gandalf, it's Aragorn, what's keeping you? I have to go rescue the hobbits, but leave a message if you get in, all right? We're getting worried about you.

-Screeech! Screeech! Screeech! Screeech! Screeech!

-Hello Frodo. This is Aragorn. Um, you're sort of semi-conscious right now, so I'm just leaving a message for you to listen to when you wake up. The inhuman screech on your answering machine is a Nazgul. Hope you're feeling better!


	3. Mushrooms Rule!

(new recording) Hi, this is Pippin. Frodo is dying and Gandalf is still missing, so if you want to speak to them, leave a message and they might or might not call you back. If you want any of the rest of us, leave a message and we'll respond as soon as we can. Mushrooms rule! beep!

-Aragorn honey? It's me. Arwen. When are you going to get here? Daddy's getting impatient. You don't want to miss his council. He can hold grudges for a couple hundred years. Love and kisses, and please call.

-crackle Hello folks, it's crackle, Gandalf. Sorry I'm so late. crackle was held crackle. Gwaihir, crackle you fly crackle lower, I'm crackle a call and I can't crackle signal. Oh, crackle. I'll crackle again later.

-Pippin, this is Elrond. Stop stealing mushrooms from the kitchen at night. Yes, I know it's you. No one else has a recording that says "mushrooms rule."

-Congratulations Mr. Brandybuck! Your name was drawn to be the winner of the "Traveler's Trek Pack" contest sponsored by Elvendom Unleashed. Your prize includes our limited edition stainless steel lightweight cooking set, a new super-sized backpack, a pair of hiking boots any size, and much much more! Please respond within a week or your prize will be forfeit. Again, congratulations, and remember to buy Elvendom Unleashed camping products to support future contests.

-Merry here. Sam, I just won a set of cooking utensils. You want them? And who do we know who wears shoes?

-Yo Merry! It's Pip! We can give the boots to Aragorn as a "thanks for saving our lives present!" And I just saw Gandalf! He's back!

-Hey everyone, it's Frodo. Just wanted to let you all know I'm feeling much better, and a big thanks to everyone who helped me out. See you at the council!

Thank you so much everyone who reviewed this! If anyone has an opinion on whether I should continue through the Two Towers after I finish the Fellowship, please say so.


	4. Still in Rivendell

(recording) Hello, you have dialed Frodo Baggins' number. He can't come to the phone right now, because he just realized he volunteered for a life-threatening mission, and is currently in a state of shock. Until he comes to his senses and calls you back, sit tight and don't succumb to the temptation of the ring. That will just make his job harder. We will be leaving Rivendell shortly, and will provide everyone with cell phone numbers before we go. Oh, by the way, this is Sam. Leave your message now. beep!

-Merry and Pippin here. We're coming with you. Just thought you ought to know. Do you have all your supplies yet? Cuz if you don't we can all go shopping together tomorrow. How does that sound? Call us!

-Hello Gandalf. It's Elrond. Galadriel just called and invited you to drop by Lothlorien with all of your "friends." If you do, you might consider leaving Gimli here. Most elves are "allergic" to dwarves.

-Waz up Gandalf? Gimli calling. Galads'll just have to get over the allergy, cuz you're not leaving me here. No way am I living in an elf city for the next year. So long!

-Aragorn? I'm Boromir of Gondor. Remember me from the council? I was, uh, just wondering if you had a cell phone. Because I don't. Because everyone in Gondor always knows where I am. Because my father is the Steward of Gondor. Can we share yours?

-Hey Boromir, it's Aragorn, also _of Gondor_. I think you've got some nerve asking to share my phone after the way you insulted me at the council. Sure I'll share. I appreciate nerve. Ever consider a job as a ranger?

-Hello everyone, this is Legolas, your fellow fellowship elven companion. Hi! I've volunteered to do the food shopping, so please give me a ring and tell me what you want. Oh, that sounded wrong, not THE ring, just a call, you know?

-Thank you Legolas! Mushrooms! Lots and Lots of Mushrooms!

-That's very kind of you, Legolas. Pipeweed.

-I'll do my own hunting, thanks anyway.

-Anything I can make stew out of. Merry got me some nice new cooking pots and I want a chance to use them.

-Okay everyone, it's Legolas the elf from Mirkwood again. Here's the shopping list so far, please tell me if there are any corrections to make. Mushrooms, requested by Pippin; Gandalf, pipeweed is not a food item, buy that yourself; Meat, nothing pre-roasted or with preservatives for Gimli; Aragorn doesn't believe in carrying food; Merry wants apples, very nutritious, good choice Merry; and Sam wants stew ingredients. Boromir wants donuts, but Frodo has vetoed his request. And I'm suggesting tofu. Anything else?

-Merry, Sam, Frodo, it's Pippin! Pajama party in my room tonight! Last chance before we leave!

My review request still stands! Tell me what you think of the story!


	5. Who brought cellphones?

(recording) Hello, I am Aragorn's cell phone. You can leave a message with me for any member of the fellowship, because Merry's batteries are still dead, Gandalf's using his to power his staff, and no one else brought one. Thank you for calling. Playing this recording gives me a sense of fulfillment and great satisfaction with life. You have made my day. Please leave a message so that I may have the pleasure of playing it to the recipient. beep!

-Aragorn? It's me. You forgot to kiss me goodbye. And that recording is sick. Poor phone.

-Hello Aragorn's phone! This is Merry's phone! Pippin recharged my batteries, so now we can talk to each other! How are things on your side of camp? It's a bit damp over here, but Sam's making mushroom stew so I'm not complaining about being here. Wait, that wasn't in character, was it? Stew's done! Bye! Mushrooms rule!

-Greetings Fellowship. We are Crebain from Dunland. We wanted to give you a heads-up that we'll be rehearsing stunts this afternoon for the air show, and you seem to be walking through our staging area. We assure you, that when we ask you to leave we are only concerned for your own safety. Or we can have Saruman come kick you out. Your choice.

-Hello Fellowship, especially you, Gandalf. This is Saruman. You'd better stay away from my Crebain. If you interfere with them in any way, I'll tell the judges you're spies for the Eagles Team and tried to sabotage the Crebain act. And if you get the Eagles in trouble, they'll never help you again! So there!

-Hello Aragorn's phone! It's Merry's phone again! Mushrooms still rule! And it's very cold! Is it cold over where you are? It's never this cold in the Shire, because the Shire is flat! Has it ever been this cold in Rivendell?

-Hello Merry's phone, this is Aragorn and his phone. Stop calling. If you want to talk, turn around and say something to me, but this calling my phone every evening and talking to it is getting really annoying!

-Is anyone out there? This is the four hobbits on Merry's phone. We're buried under the snow. Can someone come dig us out? Please? Pretty please with mushrooms on top? Hello? Is anyone actually hearing us? Help!

-Hello hobbits, it's Gandalf. We're having a discussion of where to go next, but we'll come dig you out as soon as we're done. Just be patient and stop panicking. It might be a while before we reach a decision.

-Come on, dig us out! We have a unanimous decision down here to get off this mountain before we make any more decisions!

-This is Caradhras. Goodbye Fellowship. Muahaha! Muahaha! Muahaha! See you later alligators. So long suckers. Muahaha!

-Hello Gandalf. It's me, the great big flaming cow beastie. Are you coming to visit me? And bringing friends? Wow. I'll have to invite some friends of my own. I'll be seeing you soon!

-Gandalf? It's Merry. What was that message you just deleted from my phone?

-That message was none of your business. I can delete any message I want.

-Hello everyone, it's Merry. I'm writing up a list of phone etiquette rules. No long messages that use up the entire recording memory. Pippin, this means you. No deleting messages within twenty-four hours of receiving it, just in case it's intended for more than one person. This is my phone, and I have a right to know what it's being used for. No dropping the phone over cliffs, using as a cooking utensil, or playing catch with it. If found violating these rules, your phone privileges will be revoked and you will have to write letters to everyone instead.

-Merry, your message was long! Naughty naughty!

-I know it was, Pippin! But what I'm saying is that's the last long message on my phone!

All right, I'll do TT! But keep reviewing anyway, the good feedback makes me so happy! ^_^


	6. Riddles and Pizzas

(recording) Hello, Fellowship of the Ring, elves are stupid. We're about to go through the Mines of Moria, so if you're my cousin Balin or any of his friends, we've warned you that we're coming. Reception in the mines might be bad, so speak loudly and clearly. Or else. beep!

-Pippin here. Let's play riddles to pass the time! Hey Merry, what's big and dark and creepy?

-Hello Pippin, Merry here. The answer is this mine. Too easy.

-Okay, okay. What's empty and hard to see in?

-The dark. And my stomach.

-Your stomach is hard to see in? That makes no sense. What's quiet and old and dangerous?

-Gandalf in a "mood." Stop asking riddles!

-Hello Gandalf. This is Galadriel. On behalf of Lothlorien Insurance Agency, I regret to inform you that your life insurance policy has been cancelled. Because frankly, we can't afford to pay you that much, and we know you'll come back to collect. Yes, I've been using my mirror. What's it to you? It's not cheating; it's just using the resources available. Good luck in your next life.

-Actually, Merry, that last riddle was "this mine" again. But I like your answer! Too true!

-Gandalf, this is Saruman. Stop calling my palantir. I'm getting fed up with getting a busy signal every time I try to use it. Or is this some fiendish plot of yours to keep me from finding out where you are now? It won't work. I can call up your service provider any time I want and make them tell me where your phone signal is broadcasting from.

-Merry Sam Frodo! It's Pippin! I found a pizza place that will deliver into the mines! Tell me toppings!

-Hello hobbitses. Cans they hear us now? Gollum! Cans they hear us now? Gollum!

-Gandalf? It's Frodo. Gollum's following us around, not that you probably haven't noticed, but can you make him shut up?

-Frodo, this is Gandalf. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little busy trying to lead you through the mines safely, and I don't have time to deal with Gollum too. Tell him to bugger off yourself. Oh, and who's been ordering pizza? Tell him I like pepperoni.

-Yo Aragorn! Gimli talking! Does it seem a bit deserted around here? Like, where have all the other dwarves rocked off to? They better not have forgotten to invite me to a party again!

-Meriadoc Alpha to Peregrin Alpha, come in Peregrin. You have been assigned rear guard. Any nasty beasties sneaking up on us?

-Peregrin Alpha to Meriadoc Alpha. Report: one slime creature, alias Gollum, following patrol. All clear in front?

-Meriadoc Alpha to Peregrin Alpha. Negative, Peregrin, lots of orcs coming this way. I suggest running and screaming our heads off.

-Copy that, Meriadoc. Peregrin Alpha ready to run. Let's just follow everybody else; they seem to be running too. Gosh, war games are fun!

-Cans they hear us now? Gollum!

-Hello everyone. I'm a great big flaming cow beastie. Run for your lives.

-Pippin? This is Sam. Please say you left that message as a prank call.

-Negative, Samwise Alpha. The great big flaming cow beastie left it.

-Everyone? This is Gandalf. Goodbye. If you can hear me, you're not running fast enough. Scram.

Forty-eight reviews? _Forty-eight_? They're multiplying! Run for your lives! *runs and hides under the bed* Actually, I'm just going to ask for more, so keep on reviewing! Oh, and Gollum is imitating a really annoying phone commercial, just in case anyone hasn't seen it and was wondering what that was about.


	7. Only in Lothlorien

(recording) Hello, this is Legolas, proud member of the Fellowship of the Ring. Elves are not nearly as stupid as dwarves. If you would like to talk to Gandalf, please hold while we organize a séance. If you would like to talk to anyone else, please leave a message after the tone. We are also accepting donations to buy Gandalf some flowers for whenever we have enough time for a memorial service. Message time! beep!

-Welcome to Lothlorien, member of the Fellowship. I am Galadriel, queen of the elves. I have been expecting you. I…wait a minute, was that an _answering machine_? Stupid mirror! I was trying to talk to their minds…Great. Just great. Please ignore this message.

-Hey everyone, this is Sam. Um, has everyone just forgotten that hobbits are afraid of heights? So what's with this whole climbing high up in the tree thing? Can we stop now? Please?

-Sam, this is Legolas of the Fellowship. On behalf of my fellow elves, I would like to explain that we realize you don't like heights, but as we cannot bring the treetop down to you, we have the right to expect you to climb up to it. Be grateful there's a staircase. We usually use ladders, and you would really hate that, wouldn't you?

-Hey Boromir, it's Aragorn. You're acting really depressed, is something wrong? Has Galadriel been telling you your future? Because last time she did that to me, I was afraid to go outside for days afterwards.

-Hey Boromir! It's Pippin! Aragorn told me you were feeling sad, so guess what? I asked one of the elves to give you ballet lessons! Everyone loves ballet, you'll be so happy!

-Frodo, this is Galadriel. Would you like to come see my mirror? Stupid question, really. I know you will; I looked at your future today. See you tonight.

-Aragorn? Hi. It's Boromir. Listen, never tell Pippin anything about me again, okay? Or I am so going to kill you both. That's all I wanted to say. Goodbye.

-Pippin? This is Aragorn. I don't think Boromir liked your cheer-up idea. Especially the part about wearing a tutu. It doesn't fit into his idea of machismo.

-Hello, anonymous caller here. Elves are even more stupider than dwarves.

-This is Galadriel. Actually, Legolas, I already heard it. It was very rude of Gimli to say that, I agree.

-This is Legolas. You're not fooling anyone, Mr. Anonymous Gimli. I'm going to play that message for Galadriel, so there.

-Oh, sorry Legolas. This is Galadriel. I just realized I left my reply before your message. It's this mirror again, I saw you calling me in the future and thought it was the past. My apologies.

-Uh, Boromir? Hi, it's Frodo. I was, just, um, wondering how you were doing? Galadriel just showed me her mirror. Of course I'm not telling you for any particular reason, just making light conversation! Not that I think you would want the ring or anything. Ha ha ha. What an absurd idea. That's the last thing on my mind. So, um, feeling all right lately?

-Hi Legolas! It's Pippin! Merry and I wanted to know if lembas goes well with mushrooms? Call us!

-Pippin, what kind of question is that? Lembas is lembas, it only needs to go well with lembas because its purpose is to be the only thing eaten in an entire day! If you eat lembas you don't need to eat mushrooms with it! This message was sent to you by Legolas the elf who thinks lembas tastes just fine by itself.

Over 50 reviews! How did that happen? Gosh, this is actually making me feel popular! Thank you everyone who has reviewed. And people who have made suggestions for TT, I will try to put some of your ideas in. I can't guarantee all of them, but at least some. In case you want to suggest something for FotR, I'm warning you now that I've already written it through to the end, so anything you say will have no effect on the story. Sorry.


	8. Singalongs and Orcs

(recording) Hello, you have reached the Fellowship of the Ring, sans Gandalf. If you're an orc, please hang up and don't dial again. If you're calling from Gondor, leave a message that will help me convince everyone that we should head for Minas Tirith on the way to Mordor. If you're anyone else, leave a message after I blow the horn of Gondor. Hwurrr-hurr-hurr

-Hey Merry, it's Pippin! This time instead of riddles, let's have a sing along! Can you think of any good songs?

-Sam? This is Frodo. Do you see anything funny about that log behind us?

-Cans they hear us now? Gollum!

-Frodo, it's Sam. Do you mean the log with Gollum sitting on it holding a cell phone?

-Pippin, this is Aragorn. Shut up now. I don't care if you're only down to "fifty-six flagons of ale on the wall," you are not going to sing the rest of that song. The river is very deep here, and I've heard that hobbits can't swim. Do I make myself clear?

-Hello Legolas, this is Frodo. I don't know if you've noticed, but Gollum's following us. Do you think you could turn around a bit and shoot him? I don't have a bow, that's why I'm asking.

-This is Legolas the canoeing elf. I'm trying to paddle a boat, Frodo. If I try to shoot Gollum, we'll probably run into something and sink. Just ask Aragorn if you can use his bow.

-Hello Frodo, this is Aragorn. Don't even think about it. Yeah, I've been listening to all your messages. It is my phone, isn't it? I thought so. And my bow is not available for rental to whatever little hobbit wants to play with it today.

-Hello everyone? This is Frodo. I'm just taking a walk, all right? No need to worry about me, I'm just fine. Hello? Doesn't anyone ever pick up the phone? Serve you right if you go panicking after ignoring me when I try to tell you where I am. All right then, I'll just go find a nice place to sit and I'll _time_ how long it takes someone to come looking for me. See you soon.

-Hey, this is Aragorn, has anyone seen Frodo?

-Hello, Boromir. This is Frodo. It only took you guys three minutes and thirteen seconds to begin worrying about my whereabouts.

-Frodo, it's Boromir. The others haven't worried about you yet. And I'm not worried about you, just the ring. Hand it over. Do I need to make threats? I know where you are every minute of the day, because I'm traveling in a small group with you. I can easily make your life miserable. Stepping on the backs of your shoes while we hike, that sort of thing. Wait, you don't wear shoes. Okay, stepping on your toes. Just give me the ring!

-Hello fellowship, we are a bunch of Uruk-hai. Not orcs, so we can leave you a message. You are all going to die. Well, most of you are. Hobbits will just be beaten up a bit and carried off. We just wanted to tell you, because we believe in playing fair. You have a head start beginning now…okay, your time's up. Grrrrrrr!

-Frodo, this is Sam. I'm going to keep talking, because the phone makes a beeping noise while it records messages and I need to find you. Okay, I hear it. I'm coming!

-Hey, Aragorn? Gimli? Legolas? It's Boromir. What's going on? I've been blowing my horn for at least five minutes and no one's coming. Well, let me rephrase that. _You_ aren't coming, but a whole lot more orcs are. Got to go!

-Hello? Someone in Gondor? I'm not sure this phone does long-distance, but I'm trying. My name is Aragorn, and I regret to inform you that Boromir is dead. If someone is listening to this, could you please make sure his father finds out? Thanks.

-Hello everyone, Sam and Frodo here. We just wanted to say goodbye, because service in Mordor is limited to local calling distance so we won't get to speak to you again. Good luck with whatever you're doing now. And tell Pippin we left the mushrooms in his pack.

The end of the Fellowship of the Ring, Ring, Ring! But I will begin posting The Two Telephones soon. Just not next week, because I'll be on a vacation. Meanwhile, I'd like to thank my friend Dodger for coining the phrase "big flaming cow beastie," and Tolkien for not coming by and beating me up for doing this to his story. And of course, all you reviewers. If anyone else has requests for TT, it's not too late to give them!


	9. LotR: The Two Telephones

The story so far (and who has what phone, because even the author gets confused sometimes):

Frodo and Sam have left for Mordor with the Ring and Merry's cellphone. They have had to switch to Mordor service, which only allows local calls and prevents them from making any long-distance calls to the rest of the fellowship.

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are hunting for the orcs that kidnapped Merry and Pippin. Aragorn is carrying his own cellphone.

Merry and Pippin have been carried off by orcs. They have no cellphone, but plan on stealing one from the orcs if they manage to escape. Unfortunately, they have no idea what Aragorn's phone number is.

Gandalf's phone fell with him in Moria, and Boromir, being dead, is unable to make the necessary nerve connections to use one, or even know if he has a phone.

And now: The Two Telephones

(recording) Hello, you have dialed Aragorn's phone. We're trying to sneak up on some orcs, and so have turned off the sound on this phone. Please leave a message, and when we notice someone has called, we will return it. beep!

-Hello Aragorn, this is Legolas the running elf. Why do I have to carry all the supplies? I'm not the only one eating lembas. Is it because I'm an elf? And all elves are athletic and everything? It is, isn't it. Typical human racial stereotyping. You're carrying something tomorrow, or I'm dropping the pack and we'll be stuck in the middle of Rohan with no food.

-Aragorn or whoever this is Pippin I'm recording a message on one of the orcs' cellphones to tell you we came through here and we're still alive and someone's coming so I'm dropping the phone now and maybe they won't see it lying in the grass

-Hey Aragorn? This is Gimli. Have you thought at all about what we're going to do if we actually catch up with these orcs? There's three of us and who-knows-how-many of them. Just wondering if you had any ingenious plans that I haven't thought of yet. Because from where I'm looking, it's pretty hopeless. Not that I'm afraid or anything. I'm a dwarf, I'm never afraid of losing a fight. But still.

-Gimli, Legolas, it's Aragorn. There are a whole lot of riders coming straight towards us. I suggest we get out of their way.

-Aragorn, it's Legolas the elf who has been telling you about the riders coming for the last six hours. What took you so long to listen? Had to see them for yourself? Couldn't take my word for it? Thought you were so much better than me that I couldn't be seeing something you weren't?

-Legolas, it's Aragorn. Will you just relax? I know it's just been the three of us together for days and we are getting on each other's nerves by now, but stop taking it all so personally! 

-Hello, strangers. This is Éomer son of Éomund. Explain what you are doing here or I'll have to let my Riders skewer you. And don't think they'll miss. We just had a big battle and got plenty of practice with our spears.

-Aragorn, this is Gimli. Legolas and I have voted you spokesperson. Ask them if they saw the hobbits.

-Gimli, this is Aragorn. Don't I get a vote?

-Aragorn, it's Legolas the about-to-be-skewered elf. No matter what you vote, it's two to one. You get the first spear, I mean first conversation.

-All right, this is Éomer again. Since you haven't tried to attack us in the ten minutes we've been standing here waiting, I've decided you're probably not any danger to us. Have a couple horses. If you don't bring them back, we'll have a reason to fight you and can skip this awkward standing around.

-Aragorn? This is Legolas the riding elf. There's a big pile of dead orcs ahead. Just thought you ought to know.

-Hey, Gimli and Legolas, it's Aragorn. I found hobbit tracks leading into Fangorn. Let's follow them!

-Aragorn, this is Gimli. What about the horses? We can't take them into the forest. If we leave them here they'll wander off and Éomer will try to kill us. Wait a minute, am I worrying about losing a fight? Ah, never mind, we can beat Éomer any time. Let's go!

And the Two Telephones has begun! I don't think I need to keep telling you people to review, just show some initiative and hit the button!


	10. Mushrooms Still Rule!

(recording) Hello, you have reached Merry and Pippin. We are most definitely not hobbits, so don't start thinking about kidnapping us or anything. If you were trying to reach the previous orcish owner of this phone, you have dialed the wrong number. If you're going to be friendly, leave your message now. beep!

-Hello Merry, it's Pippin. I'm lost. I don't know why I'm calling our phone to tell you since I obviously have the phone. By the way, how much lembas do you have left?

-Hello Pippin, this is Merry. Do you realize that was your first message without any exclamation marks in it! I'm almost out of lembas, but I reckon we can find some mushrooms in the woods. And as you've told us many times…would you like to say it?

-Mushrooms rule! Mushrooms rule! Mushrooms, mushrooms, lalalala mushrooms! Ack! Big trees! With hands!

-Hoom…Who…are…you…and…what…are…you…doing…in…my…forest?

-Uh, hello, big tree. thingy. My name is Merry, and this is Pippin. Sorry about him climbing you, but Pippin gets hyper at the thought of mushrooms. And we're lost. And we are not orcs, unless you happen to be on their side in which case we are orcs but we're a little confused. And we have never heard of hobbits. Does that cover everything?

-Good going Merry, you just blew our cover. He's not going to believe anything we tell him now.

-Okay, Pippin, if he doesn't believe anything we say, let's tell him we are hobbits. Then he won't believe we are, but we really are hobbits, but he won't think so, so he'll tell everyone we're not hobbits, and everyone will believe him, but we'll know we are hobbits but everyone else will know we're not hobbits. Great plan, huh?

-Um, Merry? Now I'm confused. Are we hobbits or not?

-Fool of a Took! Just keep singing about mushrooms and I'll do the talking.

Review! Reviews rule!


	11. Oh Sam

(recording) Hello, you have reached Sam and Frodo. We are just travelers and do not want to harm anyone. So please leave us alone. You can leave your message now. beep!

-Cans they hear us now? Gollum!

-Frodo? It's Sam. Let me get this straight. We're trying to get to the most evil place in Middle-earth, we've managed to get lost on the way, the only food we have left is that weird elvish bread and some mushrooms that can't be eaten with the bread for fear of insulting Legolas though he's hundreds of miles away so I don't see why we care, and Gollum is still calling us. Can I just go mad now? It would save a lot of hassle later.

-Cans they hear us now? Gollum!

-Sam, it's Frodo. I've been wondering, if Gollum is trying to sneak up on us, why does he keep calling us and saying that? Do you think it's the influence of the ring? Lately, I've been having this strange urge to say "_Oh, Sam_" every time I look at you. Maybe Gollum feels the same way?

-Um, Frodo? It's Sam. Have you considered seeing a psychologist about that?

-Sam, where would I find a psychologist in the middle of the Emyn Muil?

-Talks to us he could, my precious. Cans they hear us now?

-Argh! No more! Gollum, swear by the precious that you will never say that again! Or we'll kill you right now!

-We swears, yes nice masters, we swears by all that is cellular, wes never says it again! Now, yous lets go of our phone! Cans they…oh never minds. Wes never says it again, no, kind master.

-_Oh, Sam_. We musn't kill him. He can lead us to Mordor.

-Frodo? Did you just say "Oh, Sam"? You did! Resist the ring Mr. Frodo! Don't let it control you!


	12. Entmoot etc

(recording) Hello, you have reached Merry and Pippin. And Treebeard, because we're letting him use this phone in exchange for his acting as our antenna tower. And boy has our reception improved! So if you have a message for any of us, leave it now. Yes, now. Now means now, not after contemplating this recording for two years. Just so all you entish types know that. Now. beep!

-Hey, Treebeard? It's Merry. I know you said it might take a while for the other ents to talk over this whole war thing, but we do need to hurry it a bit, okay? If we actually want to help? What I'm trying to say is, wake up! It's past ten and you're still in bed! You missed both breakfasts! Let's get a move on here!

-Hoom,…ents,…entmoot…today…Short…notice…but…these…not-hobbits…are…hasty…folk.

-Treebeard? It's Pippin. How long will this entmoot thing last? We didn't bring that much food. Just a couple armfuls of mushrooms, some lembas, a few pocketfuls of berries, that sort of thing.

-A…long…time,…young…not-hobbit…We…are…not…hasty.

-Hey Merry, it's Pippin. Treebeard said the Entmoot is going to take a while, and we'll just be sitting here bored because we don't know entish, so let's change to somebody else's part of this story. So the audience doesn't get bored, okay? Okay, here goes-

-Frodo? It's Sam. We're still lost. How do you know Gollum's not getting us more lost? And your reply better not have "Oh Sam" in it.

-Sam, why are you always suspicious of everyone? First you didn't trust Strider, now you hate Gollum. Okay, yes Strider was creeping us out and threatening me, and yes Gollum has tried to kill us, but don't you think you're being a little harsh?

-Stops talking, masters, and follows us! Nows!

I'm sorry the chapters have been getting so short! But there's three different stories going on and I can't leave any of them alone for too long without neglecting it entirely! On the bright side- three stories should mean three times as many chapters, even if they are short. Continue reviewing!


	13. Fool of a What?

(recording) Hello, if you are trying to reach Aragorn, Legolas, or Gimli, you have dialed the right number. If you are trying to reach anyone else, then logically you have dialed the wrong number. If you want to leave a message, speak after the tone. If you just called to hear my voice, hang up now. beep!

-Aragorn, it's Legolas the elf in the forest. What if they called to hear _my_ voice? I have friends too you know. You're not the only popular guy here. And I've got a family too, which you don't. Ha. So I should be getting even more calls than you.

-This is Gimli. I just felt like pointing out that none of us have gotten any calls from friends or family, so stop arguing about who has more potential for calls. It doesn't matter unless someone actually does call us.

-Aragorn? It's me. You remember, me, Arwen? I was wondering where you are now. I miss you. Daddy's being a bully, he keeps telling me you won't come back. Please tell me he's wrong. Love you!

-Legolas? It's your father. When are you coming home? I sent you to a council, and I get a messenger back saying you're wandering halfway across the world. With a dwarf. What's going on?

-Okay, Legolas, this is Aragorn. We've each had one message from home. I guess it's a tie. Still friends?

-Aragorn, it's Legolas the elf who is staring intently at a bigger problem than phone messages. We're on an intercept course with a white wizard. Should we back away or charge?

-Legolas, this is Aragorn. Why do I have to make all the difficult decisions? With all the responsibility you're giving me, you'd think I was king or something. Oh. I see. Never mind. Let's wait for the wizard to come.

-Hey folks, it's me, the white wizard…you can stop trying to attack me now. Okay? Some welcome you're giving me. And I thought you'd be happy I was back.

-Gandalf? Is it really you?

-Of course it is, you fool of a…well, man. What, you thought I was going to leave you incompetent fools to save the world? Fat chance.

-But you never called us! We were sure you had to be dead!

-Forgot to pay my phone bill. Can we get going now? There's a world that needs saving.


	14. My Precious

(recording) Hellos, yous have called the nice masterses. Smeagol speaking. Yous leaves your message nows or yous shoulds hang up. Ands stays away from the precious. beep!

-Gollum, this is Sam. Are you sure you're leading us the right way? Things haven't gotten much more evil for a while. Or are we about to be ambushed?

-Sam, this is Frodo. What about this swamp _doesn't_ seem evil to you? Is it the dead people in the water? Or maybe the Nazgul flying overhead? Personally, this place creeps me out.

-Screeech!

-_Oh, Sam_. The ring is trying to make me put it on. Help!

-Bigs nasty flying screechy things is gones now, nice master. Follows Smeagol out of swamps now, masterses.

-Gollum, why does Smeagol lead nasty thieves through swamp? We shoulds drown them, yes my precious. Gollum!

-No! Smeagol is good to kind masterses. Smeagol helps kind masterses. And Smeagol will not talks to precious any mores!

-Gollum. We knows Smeagol wants to ask cans they hear us now. Why doesn't Smeagol ask? Has "kind masterses" told Smeagol not tos? Are they kinds masters that hurt Smeagol? No, my precious, not kinds, no.

-Smeagol, this is Frodo. Will you please stop calling yourself? You're wasting the battery. And some of us also want to use the phone. Is that too much to ask?

-Yes! My phoneses, my owns, my precious. Gollum!

-All right, don't go all schizophrenically possessive, you can hold the phone. But could you stop stroking it like that? You push some of the buttons every time you do. You've probably given some poor old lady a heart attack by accidentally dialing her number and then golluming into the phone.


	15. Stressful Times

-Hello Pippin, it's Merry. How much longer do you think this entmoot will last?

(recording) Thank you for calling Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and/or Gandalf. And because we know you're going to ask, yes he did die, and no he's not still dead. We're riding through Rohan right now, but we're not going to tell you exactly where we are or where we're going because the only people we want to know that stuff are the people we're riding to, and they'll find out soon enough. If you suspect it's not you that we're looking for and so you won't be seeing us in the very near future, leave a message now. beep!

-Aragorn, it's Legolas the confused elf. Why can't you have a recording that just says "I can't answer the phone so please leave a message" like a normal person? I mean, why do you spend so much time thinking up outrageously long and descriptive recordings? Does Rohan bore you that much? Because I'm perfectly happy looking at the scenery for hours instead of creating complicated recordings, but maybe you're not.

-Legolas, stop nagging Aragorn about everything he does. He's got enough stress in his life already before you started tagging along. Oh, this is Gandalf.

-Gandalf, it's Legolas the elf who is about to point out that _you_ were the one who jumped off a bridge and dumped Aragorn in the leadership position on the way to _Mordor_. Wait, I just did point that out. This was Legolas the elf who did point out that you shouldn't be telling me about what causes stress.

-Guys, this is Aragorn. If you want to discuss my personal life, you could at least have the tact not to do it in front of me. Or you could include me in the conversation. I think I can offer some insight into what causes me stress. At the moment, it's the two of you talking about me.

-Hey everyone, it's Gimli. We're almost at Edoras, so can you all shut up? I'm sure the king would love to hear about Aragorn's problems, but this really isn't the time. Not that I'm displaying any common sense or anything, I'm a dwarf, I use common sense even less than cowardice. But still.

-Gandalf, this is Aragorn. Um, have I lost track of the years while I was wandering alone in the wild, or did the king get really, really old since the last time I was in Rohan which was not long enough ago for him to have aged so much, and where was I going with this sentence. Oh yeah, it was a question. Please mentally stick a question mark at the end of it.

-Hello Aragorn, it's Legolas the puzzled elf. I think you're right. I mean, I know men age faster than elves, but this is ridiculous.

-Hello Gandalf, this is Grima. Just what do you think you're doing in here? Get out!

-Aragorn, this is Gandalf. Go find Wormtongue's cellphone, remove the battery, and put the phone in your pocket. With the battery in a different pocket, so even if he manages to pickpocket you he won't be able to call anyone.

-Gandalf, it's Aragorn. I've got the phone as ordered, but why was that necessary?

-It's Gandalf. For one thing, he really gets on my nerves. And I didn't want him listening in on our conversations anymore. He's been telling Saruman what everyone in Edoras has been talking about. Including the king's secret messages.

-Hello Gandalf, it's Theoden. Why don't we actually talk about your news face-to-face? It'll go a lot faster than leaving messages, and we can eat dinner while we're at it.

-It's Gandalf. Sounds good, Theoden, but Wormtongue had better not be in the room. Or outside it listening in, for that matter. In fact, I think I would be happiest if he were far, far away…good, he's taken the hint and left. See you soon.


	16. Hello, It's Me

(recording) Hello Aragorn, my Estel, it's me, Arwen. I'm so very sorry that I can't come to the phone right now. You know I would never miss talking to you on purpose, honestly I don't mean to hurt your feelings. If you leave me a message, love, I promise I'll call you back…If this is some dork listening who doesn't know a private message when he hears one, he can hang up now. May the curse of the Valar fall upon you…You can leave your message now, please, Aragorn. Namarie. beep!

-Arwen, this is your father. Other people use this answering machine too, you know. It's very inconsiderate of you to leave personal messages on it. And very stupid of you to think I wouldn't listen. Frankly, I'm growing concerned about this infatuation of yours.

-Hello daddy, it's me. What infatuation are you talking about? You mean me and Aragorn? We're in love, daddy, not just in like. We will get married someday. And you already said okay, so there's nothing you can do to stop us, so there!

-Hey Arwen, is your telephone running? You'd better go catch it!

-Daddy, Elladan and Elrohir are prank-calling me again! Make them stop!

-Boys, this is your father. Leave your sister alone.

-Thank you so much daddy, that was really convincing. I'm sure that didn't just encourage them even more.

-Hello, Elrond, this is Galadriel. I just called to talk about this quest thing you sent the fellowship on. Since you're not a psychic as I am, and I figured you might like to know what's happening. Call me!

-Daddy, it's me, can you please ask granny how Aragorn is doing? Please? I'll love you forever.

-Arwen, this is your father again. While I am touched by your offer to love me "forever", I also advise you not to make promises and in the same sentence deny your ability to keep them. If I tell you anything about Aragorn that leads to your marriage, you will become mortal, die, and therefore not be around "forever" whether you love me or not. But I hope you know I love you forever, no matter what you decide.

-Aw, daddy, you're so sweet. I'll love you as long as I have a heart to love with. And as a mortal, that will be the best promise I can make.

-You two are so sappy. "I wuv you daddy!" "I wuv you too!" Blegh.

-Elladan! Listen to your own messages and leave ours alone!

-That's telling him, daddy!


	17. You want me to what!

(A/N: Sorry for the wait! I know it's been forever since the last time I updated anything, much less this story...)

(recording)Thank you for calling Meduseld in Edoras, home of King Theoden. If you would like to hear the latest muster call, press one, then enter your eored's five-digit numerical code. If you have called to report an orc sighting, press two to be connected to our foreign relations department. If you have called to speak to the king and are a personal acquaintance of his, press three, enter your personal identification code, speak your name for voice-identification, do your choreographed tap-dance routine, blow your nose, give a five-minute lecture on the plant of your choice, tell your favorite joke, hold your breath for thirty seconds, then inhale deeply and bellow your battlecry while holding the phone exactly one foot away from your mouth, and re-enter your personal code by pressing the buttons with your tongue. Then your call will be put through to his cellphone. If none of these options fit your reason for calling, press four and leave a message after the tone. Someone will get back to you shortly. Have a nice day...Either make your choice or hang up already! You're tying up the line, and no way am I going to repeat all that...

-Uh, this is just a general message, if anyone has seen Gandalf, tell him I found his phone, he must have dropped it sometime last night... and, uh, Theoden? Your voice-identification thing won't connect me to your phone, who told you my name was "Aragorn the Hunk"? It's kind of worrying me...

-Hello Theoden, this is Saruman. I've been talking to Grima here, and I hope you have a good lawyer, because I've convinced him to sue you for "undue emotional distress" and "discrimination in the workplace" after the way you fired him from his advisorship. Just wanted you to know, so you'd have plenty of time to worry about it!

-Aragorn, it's Theoden. Gandalf left last night, are you sure it's his phone you found? He's usually not _that_ forgetful. Oh, and I have no idea who entered that name into the system, I'll talk to Eowyn about it, she's in charge of the communications department.

-Er, Theoden, it's Gimli. What if I can't tapdance?

-Gimli, it's Theoden. I didn't quite get your last message, why should I care if you can dance or not?

-King Theoden, this is Legolas the rather disgusted elf. I refuse to touch the phone with my tongue in any way. Frankly, it is unsanitary and just plain gross.

-Eowyn, this is your uncle. I just listened to the Meduseld recording. We're going to have a serious talk, young lady, as soon as I get back from Helm's Deep.


End file.
